Just a little, silly one shot. Basically what would happen if the usual SP bad guys tried to kidnap me. So my OC isn't in this fanfic, instead it's pretty much real life me. So, a ridiculously annoying and hyper person. Yeah. Anyway. Enjoy!
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“Ah crap, I think I’m screwed.”
Thalia – the actual Thalia – peered out the window of her house, before quickly ducking back down, lying flat on the floor. She army-crawled out of the living room, through the dining room, and into the kitchen, where she reached for the phone. Then she hesitated. What would she even say if she called 911?
“Uh, hullo there. Sorry to bother you, but a psycho vampire, a Texan assassin, some…thing from London that can jump superty duper high, and a zombie from a book series are strolling up my driveway, and they don’t look like they’re here for tea. D’you think you can, y’know, send over some police men to save my sorry little butt? Or preferably an Irish skeleton detective wearing a suit and a fedora? Thank you very much,” Thalia muttered sarcastically. She snorted. It didn’t sound very believable even when she told it to herself.
But another quick look out her window showed that what she was seeing was, indeed, the truth. For some reason that nobody in the universe could fathom, Dusk, Billy-Ray Sanguine, Springheeled Jack, and Vaurien Scapegrace were walking purposefully up Thalia’s driveway.
Nobody else was home. Her brother was at band practice. Her dad was at work. Her mum was taking the cats to the vet, so not even her two insane felines were there to back her up against the usual yet deadly bad guys. There was never a time that Thalia wished more that Skulduggery Pleasant was there than right now, and she had wished pretty darn hard sometimes.
Thalia twirled a piece of her short, messy light brown hair around her finger – a nervous habit she had acquired over the years. She had basically no chance. At a whopping five foot, three inches, and weighing at least sixty pounds less than the lightest of her enemies, tackling them was out. Her randomly thrown punches and kicks would be of no use. And as loud as she could scream, she was sure that they had dealt with plenty of screaming victims in their day, so Thalia was even unable to leave them deaf and disorientated.
She clenched her fists. Well, no matter if fighting wouldn’t be of much use, she wasn’t going down without one. Thalia crawled hurriedly to her room. Once there, she stood up, opened her closet, and took out her black cargo jacket. It was comforting to have on, because it reminded her of her OC, and it made her look awesome. Thalia glanced at herself in the mirror. She looked even paler than usual. Even her freckles had become rather ashen, and her gray eyes looked large and terrified. She gulped, shut the closet door, and grabbed her hard plastic flashlight. The doorbell rang.
Thalia crouched back down and hurried back to the kitchen. Opening the door was the stupidest thing she could do, so she ignored the ringing bell and the fists pounding on the door. She flung open the medicine cabinet, and grabbed the black metal flashlight as well. She grinned. Now she had two flashlights, which both doubled as light sources and weapons.
Thalia giggled suddenly. “Double flashlights all the way across the sky…..” she sang to herself, walking back towards the living room.
Her random mirth was cut off by Sanguine shouting from the outside as she passed the front door. “We know you’re in there, darlin’!”
Thalia couldn’t help herself. “You should have said ‘poppet’!” she called back. “Then I would have thought you were pirates! And pirates are freaking awesome!”
The door exploded.
Thalia screamed and flung herself to the ground, covering her face as bits of wood flew everywhere. When the sound of falling woodchips stopped, she warily uncovered her face and pushed herself to her feet. In the time it had taken her to do this, Sanguine, Dusk, Jack, and Scapegrace had filed into her house. There was a tension-filled silence. Thalia decided to break it.
“’Sup?” she said, raising her eyebrows and giving them an acknowledging nod. They all stared at her. “Coffee, anyone?”
“Are you trying to be funny?” Scapegrace asked, narrowing his eyes.
“Yup.”
“It’s not working,” he pointed out.
She snapped her fingers. “Drat. And I was trying so hard too!”
“Now you’re just stalling.”
Thalia stuck out her tongue at him.
“Now kiddies,” Sanguine said in a soothing voice, stepping in between the teenager and the zombie, “let’s not fight. Though, this might lead to one anyway. That depends if our lovely lady of honor decides to come quietly or not. I’m thinking not, though. She looks armed.”
“I am, thank you for noticing!” Thalia shouted at an unnecessary volume, waving her flashlights around. “And who’re you calling “kiddie”, Cowboy?”
Sanguine twitched.
“And this hardly seems fair!” she continued. Once Thalia started ranting, it was almost impossible to stop her, until she exhausted herself. “I mean, really! One, two…four! Four of you against little ol’ me. And yes, I did just skip the number three, but that’s beside the point. Actually, it’s exactly the point! But not really, which makes perfect sense. Anyway, who’s your employer, huh? Whoever they are, they’re obviously pretty scared of my mad ninja skills to have sent all four of you! Why do you want to kidnap or murder me, anyway? And why is it that all of you always work together? What is this? A Revengers’ Club slash Vengeance Squad reunion?”
Here Thalia paused, breathing heavily.
“How did you know about the Revengers’ Club?” Jack asked.
Thalia snorted. “I read the books, duh. You lot should be proud; the Golden God does an amazing job at writing you. And it’s really a shame you showed up here when you did. Well, for me anyway. If I had five more seconds I would have hidden under the bed. You never would have found me.”
“That was smart idea,” a smooth, velvety voice said. “Not many people look under beds, these days.”
Thalia jumped around and almost screamed in relief and happiness. Strolling towards her out of the kitchen was Skulduggery Pleasant, closely followed by Valkyrie Cain and the Spiky Haired Wonder, also known as Fletcher Renn.
“Skul-man!” she cried, flinging her arms around him in a hug. Skulduggery hesitated, obviously not expecting to be glomped. Then he patted her head. Thalia released the skeleton detective and grinned.
“And Val too!” Valkyrie was also blessed (or cursed, whichever you prefer) with a giant hug, but she just laughed and hugged Thalia back. Finished distributing her hugs, Thalia started jumping around in an overly hyper fashion, shouting random things at the antagonists, mainly calling them a very rude form of ‘idiot’ in Russian.
“What, I don’t get a hug?” Fletcher asked indignantly.
Thalia stopped her jumping. Sticking her plastic flashlight in one of her coat pockets, she clapped him on the shoulder with her free hand and gave him a serious look.
“Fletcher, you look like someone skinned a golden porcupine and super glued its pelt to your head,” she told him. “No, you do not get a hug.”
Fletcher frowned. “My hair is not that spiky.”
“Oh yes it is.”
“Is not.”
“Is too.”
“Is not!”
“Is too!”
“Is not!”
“Is too! Derek even describes your hair as ‘ridiculous’ in The Faceless Ones!” Thalia shouted triumphantly. “The Golden God’s word is law!”
Fletcher scowled. Thalia grinned.
“Can we all stop being childish and just get on with it already?” Dusk snapped irritably. “We’ve wasted enough time already.”
“I blame Scapegrace,” Sanguine said innocently, causing the Zombie King to cry out indignantly.
Thalia waved her hand around. “In a moment, Dusk. I just have one more question.” She turned to Skulduggery. “How’d you get in?”
“Let’s just say that your sun porch door has seen better days,” he answered.
Thalia sighed. “What’s with everyone and exploding my doors today?”
In answer, of course, a hand closed around her ankle and dragged her into the ground.
Sanguine reappeared behind Dusk and Jack, holding Thalia by a shoulder and pressing his razor to her neck. “Don’t mind me,” he said lightly. “I’ll just be taking this little lady to the boss. No need to fret.”
Valkyrie scowled at him. “We’d like to escort her, thank you.” She snapped her fingers, a ball of fire flaring up in her left hand. Shadows curled around Valkyrie’s right hand.
“Ooohh, fire,” Thalia breathed. Jack bonked her on the head.
“No talking.” Thalia fell silent, clutching her flashlight in terror and squeezing her eyes shut.
The sounds of fighting started up all around Thalia. Sanguine whispered in her ear, “Just keep walking backwards and I won’t have to slit your throat. Oh, and drop your flashlights.”
Thalia did as commanded, feeling utterly exposed as she was forced to give up the two objects that she had been relying on for protection. She kept her eyes firmly shut as she stumbled backwards down the stone steps outside of her house. To someone else, someone who was not Thalia, it would have looked like her eyes were closed in fear. But really, she was concentrating. Trying not to make a sound, she snapped her fingers repeatedly, attempting to make a fireball, like Valkyrie had just done. Even though her OC was a mind reader, Thalia had already trying casting her mind around randomly, and had not gained a single thought from anyone. So, she was attempting to be an Elemental.
Nothing was happening. Thalia gritted her teeth. This was her last chance. She couldn’t fail.
She snapped her fingers extra hard. Suddenly her hand grew warm.
Thalia’s eyes flew open, and she couldn’t help but grin. A ball of fire was sitting in her palm. It was small, yes, only about half the size of Valkyrie’s. But it was a fireball nonetheless, and a fairly respectable size for her first one.
“Sanguine,” Thalia said.
“No talk-”
Thalia wrenched herself out of his grip, spun around, and shoved her handful of fire in his face. “Happy birthday!”
Sanguine shouted in surprise and pain. He made a wild grab for Thalia, but she was already far out of his reach. Thalia burst back into her house, and snatched up her flashlights. She hurled one across the living room at Jack, who jumped to avoid it, successfully smacking into the ceiling. He fell back to the ground in a comical manner, knocking his head on the coffee table. He didn’t get up.
Valkyrie, who had been fighting Jack, looked over at Thalia in surprise. “How’d you escape Sanguine?”
Thalia grinned and snapped her fingers, igniting another fireball. “Fire! I’m magical! And don’t ask how I randomly did this, I don’t know. Maybe I go out and work for the American Sanctuary in my sleep. It seems likely, given everything else that’s happened so far today. Anyway. Where are the others?”
“Fletcher teleported Scapegrace somewhere. I’m not sure where,” Valkyrie said slowly. Loud crashes and bangs came from a room down the hallway. “And Skulduggery and Dusk were fighting and went down that hall, and turned right.”
“…Oh my God…”
“What?”
“They’re in my room!” Thalia grabbed Valkyrie’s hand and dragged her down the hall. “Come on!”
Thalia leapt heroically into her room, pulling Valkyrie behind her. She chucked her other flashlight at Dusk’s head. “Outta my room!”
The flashlight connected with the vampire’s head. Dusk turned around and growled at her, but then seemed to think better of attacking her now that he was obviously alone. He jumped out Thalia’s open bedroom window and was gone.
“Well done,” Skulduggery said approvingly to Thalia, stepping lightly off her bed. He clapped her on the shoulder. Thalia glared at him. Skulduggery tilted his head. “What?”
“This is my room. Out. Now,” she commanded. “Or I’ll eat you.”
Not wanting to risk the wrath of the crazy American, Skulduggery left the room hastily. Valkyrie followed, chuckling. Thalia picked up her flashlight and walked after them, whistling. The trio sat down in Thalia’s living room – ignoring the unconscious Springheeled Jack on the floor – and waited for about thirty seconds, before they heard a soft pop, and the Spiky Haired Wonder re-entered their midst.
“Scapegrace is taken care of,” Fletcher informed them. “And why is Sanguine running around the front yard with his hair on fire?”
“I set his hair on fire?” Thalia leapt out of her chair and ran to the window, just in time to see a very angry, flaming-headed Sanguine sink into the ground. Thalia laughed with joy. “Oh, that’s brilliant!”
“You set his hair on fire?” Skulduggery asked in confusion. Thalia snapped her fingers and small ball of flame lit up in her hand.
“Don’t ask how, I don’t know, but I’m suddenly an Elemental,” Thalia said, noting the surprised look on Fletcher’s face. “In other words, be jealous of my natural amazing-ness.”
Fletcher opened his mouth to make some sort of snappy response, but Thalia awkwardly put her arm around him, and he stared at her weirdly. “What are you doing?”
“It’s called a hug. Appreciate it.” She let go and walked across the room, scooping up her other flashlight and kicking Jack a little, just for fun.
“So,” Valkyrie said in an amused voice. “What should we do now? Go back to Ireland and inform the Sanctuary?”
Skulduggery nodded. “Yes, I think so. Thalia-”
“I’m coming with you,” Thalia said firmly, cutting him off. “I’m not safe here, and I have loads of questions for you lot. Like, how’d you know those guys were gonna attack me? What’re you doing in America in the first place? And how do you know where I live?”
“Fine, you can come along. We’ll answer all of those questions, I promise,” Skulduggery responded. “But we need to go now.”
“One question? Please?”
“Fine. What is it?”
“Why are you all so tall?” Thalia asked sincerely, looking up at all of them. She tried standing on her tip-toes, but she still wasn’t as tall as any of them.
Skulduggery titled his head. “But that also brings up the question, why are you so short?”
Thalia shrugged. “Fair enough. But I’m not as short as Mir. Oh, you’ll meet her sometime soon. And Mar, yes, Mar too. It’s impossible to know me and not know those two. The universe might implode. Anyway, are we gonna go soon?”
“Ready whenever you are,” Valkyrie told her.
“I think I’m good….oh, wait, one moment.” Thalia ran back into her room and grabbed her cell phone. She also snatched up a pen and a piece of paper. She scribbled a quick note on the paper, rereading it to herself as she walked back to the others:
Dear Mum, Dad, Bro, and cats,
I was attacked by a vamp, a zombie, an assassin, and some other thing. Not sure what it really is. Doors suffered damage. I am OK, will be in Ireland with a skeleton detective for an unknown period of time. I have my phone with me. Call when you see the note.
Love and hugs,
Thalia
“Perfect,” Thalia muttered to herself. She set the note on the dining room table.
“Ready?” Valkyrie called. She was holding Fletcher’s hand. Skulduggery hand his hand on Fletcher’s shoulder.
“Ready.” Thalia walked over and touched the toe of her Converse to Fletcher’s shin. She had had enough physical contact with anyone for the day. “Teleport away, porcupine!”
